Inner war solves the outer war

“A solution to the inner war solves the outer war as well.” - Arbinger Institute

This week I’ve shared quotes from an organization that does high quality work in the area of self-leadership and peace building.  Something I learned years ago that changed my life is the idea that nearly every external conflict I experience is a reflection of an inner conflict.  Honestly, it took me a while to digest this idea, but I have found it to be true.

What could our work, personal and political lives look like if we committed to resolve our inner battles?

Do you carry those you dislike with you

“Everyone I hated was always with me, even when I was alone. They had to be, for I had to remember what and why I hated in order to remind myself to stay away from them.”  -  The Arbinger Institute

Same standards

“There is a question I have learned to ask myself when I am feeling bothered about others: am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of them?”  - Arbinger Institute

I am learning that when I struggle with this answer, it indicates that I need to reassess something internal. I don’t always succeed in the moment but am trying to be more aware and gracious to others.

Re-entry

I’ve been reading some material recently on the idea of re/entry after a major life transition.  I like the concept of re/entry because it lends itself to a deliberate, focused process.  It reminds us that sometimes we need to go slow to fully acclimate ourselves. 

Often, we want to rush. Rush into a new job.  A new project.  A new relationship.  Rushing may enable us to miss key information or risks.  

Give yourself permission to walk, not run through the process.

Transition is greater Stagnation

“Transition isn't pretty, but stagnation is hideous.”  - Nikki Rowe

Transitions

Transitions are necessary in life and in work.  It is an obvious statement that we better embrace transitions that we choose and struggle more with those that choose us.  When we feel that a transition chose us, it can create internal pressure that begins to push against those around us.

When you notice the struggle with a transition, it can be helpful to answer:

• What might you be holding onto that you do not want to let go of?

• Is there anything about this situation that is similar to prior situations?  If so, what worked then?  What did not work as well?

• What may you see as a potential loss that may be a gain?

• What goal do you want to reach and what needs to be sacrificed to achieve it?

• If you put this situation into its full content, placed it on a platform, then stepped back from it 100 feet, what new insight can you see?

What we see in others is in us

I have taken some training recently that has enabled me to identify some false beliefs I’ve held that I’ve never put words to before.  I have also been able to recognize that these false beliefs have influenced some decisions I’ve made over the years and how I have interacted with and viewed others.

The power in identifying and correcting these beliefs is that both my work and personal relationships strengthen.  It better enables resilience by realizing that others are often operating from their own set of beliefs – it isn’t about me.

Sometimes the thing we see in others that needs to change, may very well be within us.  Remembering this can help us grow and strengthen our work and personal interactions.

P.S. The training I referenced above was Patterns for Change, led by Bob Hamp of Think Differently.

Personal issues at work

While training on the common hot buttons recently, someone asked me about working with someone who is unreliable because of personal issues present in their life.

What if we were to operate under the premise that the workplace is comprised of people and each of these people are important and matter?  What would the answer to this question begin to look, sound, and feel like?

It would create an environment where leaders actively connect to those who report to them. Where everyone understands the values of the team and organization.  And thus, whenever someone faces a personal challenge that is going to impact their delivery, they feel safe enough to speak up and, in response, others actively reach out to help.

The human condition will always be present in the workplace.  What if we could influence and support the best in each other?

Aligning work and personal goals

“The weird thing is that the more efficient, on task, on goal you are with your time, the more energy you have. Working with no traction, or for that matter simply wasting a day, does not relax you, it drains you.

Strange as it may seem, when you work a daily plan in pursuit of your written goals that flow from your mission statement born of your vision for living your dreams, you are energized after a tough long day.”  - Dave Ramsey, Entreleadership

Organizations have goals. If they are not aligned to your goals, you may find yourself drained at the end of a day or week.  Take time to establish your life goals and identify how the organization goals support and enable your life goals.  You may discover newfound motivation for work.

Following my own advice

A personal challenge I face working in the field of conflict resolution is that I must take my own advice. And sometimes, I just don’t want to.

There have been two situations recently that have required me digging deep, getting honest with myself and recognizing that I was compromising in areas that, long-term, would be damaging.

Facing these situations meant stepping into awkwardness and being vulnerable to admit things I did not want to.  It also meant apologizing.  The outcome of both were not what I had hoped.  

In spite of believing the right discussions were had and the right decisions made, part of me is not satisfied with the outcome.  But they resulted in increased clarity and generated compassion and respect in me for the others involved.  Sometimes, this juxtaposition is how conflict works.